Men are quite lucky in that we come with two inbuilt male masturbators. They’re super conveniently located at the end of our wrists, and they are pretty much all-purpose when it comes to shaking hands with the Governor of Love.
For the frisky, they can even be deployed to open negotiations with the Dirt Road Republic, if you catch my drift. (I’m talking about fingering your asshole.)
And that’s all fine and dandy. You can even throw a bottle of hand lotion in there to spice things up.
If you’re really flush, you might engage in what the Brits call a ‘posh wank’ and jerk off with a condom on. The sky’s the limit.
“They’re perfectly concealable, meaning that for the first time you can, if you so desire, ass-fuck an egg in the bathroom of a moving train. A sentence I never thought I’d be typing when I got up this morning.”
But what if you’re super flush with cash? I’m talking like, 50-60 bucks lying around gathering dust.
Well in that case, my friend, you’re in luck. You can take it to the next level entirely. I’m not talking about spaffing your load into a Magnum (the gag here is that you use Magnums).
I’m talking, friends and neighbors, about male masturbators. They’re in the business of making your masturbatory sessions as awesome as humanly possible.
And business, my friends, is booming.
Let’s take a look at the 7 best male masturbators on the market.
Taboo – Male Masturbator Realistic Pussy
When you think of ‘male masturbator’, chances are your mind goes to ‘Fleshlight’. This is pretty much exactly what the Taboo is. The top features a realistic set of velvety-soft labia just waiting to, in the words of one satisfied customer, “welcome your manhood” – and boy does it welcome your manhood.
I hadn’t been this excited about a fake vagina since Terminator 3. It’s realistically textured on the inside for your pleasure, and the fact that it’s made out of medical-grade silicone ensures that it’s easy to disassemble and clean thoroughly. You’ll never need a real woman again.
Best Features Of The Taboo
- Realistic texture, both inside and out
- Easy to dismantle and clean
- Discreet and portable, unlike a real woman (I’m just kidding don’t Twitter dogpile me)
Cons Of The Taboo
- No suction/realistic vagina action
- It doesn’t start talking to you about drapes 5 minutes after you’ve cum (I’m just kidding again)
Magic – Male Masturbation Egg Sex Toy Kit
The problem with the Taboo up above is that there’s only so far you can go with a silicone vagina before it gets a bit samey.
If I wanted to have boring, perfunctory, repetitive sex, I’d get married. So what’s a guy to do when he wants to spice things up a bit? He goes, of course, with Magic sex eggs.
These eggs are no mere run-of-the-mill eggs, sir. There are three of them, and each one conceals an orifice designed to mimic the three main ones of the female – vagina, butt, and mouth.
Each one is realistically textured to resemble the orifice in question, and each one is high-quality silicone that can be easy washed.
What’s more, they’re perfectly concealable, meaning that for the first time you can, if you so desire, ass-fuck an egg in the bathroom of a moving train. A sentence I never thought I’d be typing when I got up this morning.
Best Features Of The Magic Egg Sex Kit
- There’s three of them
- Realistically textured and contoured for your carnal pleasure
- Easy to wash
- Highly Discreet
Cons of the Magic Egg Sex Kit
- A little shallow at 4”; girthier men might be less than satisfied
Yolanda: Love Doll Torso Realistic Pussy Ass Masturbator
It can be a little tricky to decipher that word salad up there, so allow me to help you out. The Yolanda is what would happen if you gave a Barbie doll a boob job and pulled off its head and limbs. OK, that makes it sound weird.
The Yolanda is a pint-sized female torso complete with rockin’ rack, a happening booty, and a gaping pussy/ass for you to drill the shit out of.
And that pussy/ass are realistically modeled and go great with lube. A few goes around the block with the Yolanda, and you’ll start to forget all about the existence of real women.
The Yolanda will rock your world so hard that you’ll be lobbying government to allow civil unions with hunks of medical-grade silicone. The Yolanda fucks, is what I’m saying.
Best Features Of The Yolanda
- Perky, realistic tits and curves
- Realistic pussy that goes perfect with lube
- Realistic ass, for that matter. Also goes well with lube
Cons of the Yolanda
- Feels a tiny bit like fucking the partially recovered remains of Tinkerbell
Jazzy Anal P Spot Massager
Sometimes, jerking off isn’t enough. Sometimes you need to be jerking off while also sticking things in your ass.
When you’ve got a prostate, it turns out that sticking things in your ass is pretty awesome. The fine folks over at honeyplaybox.com are all too aware of this, so they decided to take things to the next level of sticking stuff in your ass: the Jazzy.
The Jazzy can be used in one of two ways: as a vaginal vibrator, or as an anal one. You likely don’t have a vagina (and if you do, go read our other article on female sex toys, you deviant) so you’ll be looking to use this bad boy to stimulate your prostate.
With nine different vibration settings, it’s the only way to fly when it comes to P-massage. It’s even got a remote control so you can easily switch settings during your vinegar strokes.
Best Features Of The Jazzy
- Bulbous curved head to make sure it gets all it up in your prostate
- 9 different vibration settings
- Easily-washable silicone
Cons Of The Jazzy
- It doesn’t jerk you off too
Oliver Auto-Blowjob Toy
The makers of the Oliver clearly need to learn a thing or two about the English language – the auto-blowjob is something Prince was famous for doing to himself – but I’ll give them a pass. They’re designers of world-class sex toys, not wordsmiths.
The Oliver is, pretty much, the best blowjob simulator that’s out there. It has realistic sucking and pulsating motions, and with the right lube it’s virtually indistinguishable from the real thing.
What’s more, it has a ‘climax button’. Hit that bad boy when you’re about to cum and the Oliver goes even harder, making it a million times better than all those half-assed blowjobs I got in the back of my dad’s car in high school (I’m just kidding; I didn’t get any blowjobs in high school).
Best Features Of The Oliver
- 5 suction and 10 vibration modes make it easy to switch it up every time you use the Oliver
- Frosted finish makes it easy to grip one-handed
- Climax mode gives mind-blowing orgasms
Cons Of The Oliver
- I can’t cum in its eye
Paul Dual-Head Masturbator
I don’t know who comes up with the names for these male masturbators, but can we maybe get a Stacey in the mix? A Veronica? No? I guess it doesn’t really matter. If I met a guy named Paul who fucked as good as his namesake, I probably wouldn’t be too cut up about my impending sexual confusion.
The Paul is a bit like Darth Maul’s lightsaber in The Phantom Menace, if one end of that was a vagina and the other end an asshole. Both ends are realistically modeled for your pounding pleasure, and they go great with water-based lubes for that most realistic of simulated fucks.
There’s also a climax button, similar to the Oliver above. Press that bad boy and the Paul will suck your dick in pretty good, leading to a veritable nuclear explosion of an orgasm.
Best Features Of The Oliver
- Double heads means double the fun
- Easily dismantled and washed
- Suction effect makes for amazing climaxes
Cons Of The Oliver
- Can’t be used to simultaneously fight off a Jedi Master and his Padawan
Aalam Hands-Free Automatic Male Masturbator
This is it, kids. The Lamborghini of male masturbators. The Defcon 5 of machines sucking your dick. This shit will fuck you to completion, cook you a steak and take you out to a monster truck rally or whatever it is we manly men are doing these days.
The Aalam is fully hands-free, meaning you can just wrap it around your dick and let it go to town. It also has a suction cup so you can slam it against a surface and fuck it sideways.
The removable inner sleeve is textured like a real designer, and the motors allow it to pump, suck and rotate, making it in many ways superior to an actual vagina.
Best Features Of The Aalam
- Sucking, rotating and thrusting actions make for the most intense robot fuck outside of Rocky IV
- Suction pump for fucking on any surface
- Water-resistant (but not submersible; no pool fucking)
Cons Of The Aalam
- It doesn’t really cook you a steak (sorry)
- A little expensive compared to the other options
Conclusion
Whether you’re looking for a cheap and cheerful option to jazz up your hand shandies, or you’re looking for a full-on girlfriend replacement experience, this range of male masturbators almost certainly has you covered. Strap one on and go to town, and you won’t regret it.
