A sadly underserved demographic is the growing one which is interested in elves and wizards but also fucking.
Tolkien famously neglected to combine the twain in his joyless ode to tramping through mountain passes and bogs.
Despite the heavy implication that Sam and Frodo experimented with one another’s Hobbit Holes in Peter Jackson’s critically acclaimed film adaptions of Lord of the Rings, those thirsty for a dose of Halfling humping went largely unsated.
Thankfully we live in a more enlightened era, and the rise of the internet and Rule 34 has seen a concomitant increase in not only elf porn but also things shaped like faeries, dragons etc., that you can shove up your ass.
Or any other orifice worth mentioning, for that matter (looking at you, sounding enthusiasts).
“But [ghost writer hiding their real name, so their mother never realizes they write about orc dildos for a living], what are the very best fantasy dildos and geeky sex toys out there, bro?”
We’re very glad you asked, fictional overly-thirsty pixie-fancier.
Because today, in our guide to fantasy dildos, we’re about to take you on a wild journey through tentacle dildos, realistic alien butt plugs, unicorn sex toys, and more!
So read on to find out the best way to get your Helms Deep.
The Stan Fantasy Dildo
First up is one of the eye-watering fantasy dildos from Bad Dragon dildos. Its name is Stan. For those who like their dildos on the freaky side, the Stan is the only way to fly.
With everything from girth and material to its insertable inches and firmness customizable, there’s a variety of this Bad Dragon dildo available for everyone.
Muscular, powerfully veined and with an impactful blunt head that defines the word girth, the Stan will smash his way into your pitifully defended orifice like Gandalf the White into orc hordes.
The Stan is fully customizable for all your dildo needs; whether you’re looking to control every step of the experience or want to slap your Stan against the wall for some hands-free action, manufacturer Bad Dragon has got you covered.
Best Features Of The Stan Dildo
- Fully customizable size, insertable length, and girth from mini to extra-large;
- Selectable firmness and texture, from soft to ultra-hard, allows you to define your pleasure with this fantasy toy;
- Optional suction cup for hands-free fun.
Those who forsake the joys of the penis and are instead drawn to the Japanese predilection for tentacle porn will find much to like in the Tako.
Another quality fantasy dildos from Bad Dragon toys, The Tako, is an intricately-textured tribute to getting fingered by a realistic octopus tentacle.
The Tako starts off smooth and gentle, with its spade-shaped tip gradually giving way to the broader mid-section tentacle and its gently-gripping suckers.
Perfect for those who enjoy anal or vaginal depth play, the Tako will expertly explore your abyss and leave you hungry for more of its soft, realistic tentacle sucker action.
Best Things About The Tako Tentacle Dildo
- Expertly-rendered suckers on the tentacle grip and tantalise without being too strong;
- A variety of sizes and firmness make for a fully customizable tentacle sex toy tailored to your naughty needs, whichever hole you want to play with.
- One of the most recognizable fantasy tentacle dildos can be customized in a variety of colors.
Fire-Breathing Fantasy Dildos: Duke The Bad Dragon
The signature dildo of the legendary Bad Dragon fantasy dildos company, Duke is one of the expert types of fantasy dildos designed in body-safe silicone.
This fantasy dildo provides a walk on the wild side for those who will tantalize and delight with his smoothly tapering shaft and eminently grabbable ball-sack
(note: since dragons are mythical creatures, it’s perfectly reasonable for this fantasy dildo penis to have balls, unlike actual reptiles).
Duke the Bad Dragon has a firm, tapered tip for ease of insertion (whether in the vagina, anal or cloacally) and the perfect textures for G-spot stimulation.
He is fully customizable, as with all dildos and geeky sex toys produced by Bad Dragon. Want to make this fantasy dildo glow in the dark? You got it!
Best Features of Duke the Bad Dragon
- The insertable tapered design allows for a full range of depth play from medium to huge with this fantasy dildo.
- Optional cumtube facilitates simulated explosive orgasms from the cocks of mythical creatures.
- Full range of body-safe sizes and colors for all types of fantasy dildo play enthusiasts.
Chance Flared Fantasy Sex Toy
We now shift from alien territory to the farmyard as we look at the audaciously high quality Chance Flared dildo.
As one of the more controversial Bad Dragon dildos, this fantasy sex toy appears to resemble a huge horse or unicorn penis with the insertable length and texture to match.
The uniquely-shaped Chance Flared has a particularly broad head, opening up a world of dildo possibilities (and your labia) straight off the bat and only getting better with its beautifully textured shaft.
The length and girth are a challenge even at smaller sizes, making this one for the more experienced enthusiast of fantasy dildos.
When ordering the largest size of this horse cock toy, the head can be up to 10.75 inches in girth with an eye-watering insertable length of 15 inches. Only for the brave!
Chance Flared’s unique design facilitates a number of dildo play options, and whether you’re a thruster or a twister, Chance Flared’s texturing will be sure to rub you the right way and bring you to completion.
As with the Duke and other geeky sex toys and fantasy dildos on this list, a cumtube installed in this body-safe silicone bad boy is great for simulating an amazing mythical ejaculation.
Best Features of Chance Flared
- The huge, wide, and tapered head gets you going from the off;
- Optional cumtube for slippery fun with your fantasy creatures;
- The broad selection of sizes, insertable lengths, and textures of this dildo accommodates your needs.
Woof woof! The incredibly detailed Rex is the next in-your-face form of cocks from Bad Dragon Dildos. Trust us; its bark is much worse than its bite!
This huge faux dog penis features an engorged knot towards the base of the firm shaft that can range from 8.5 inches to 11.25 inches, making for a stimulating wrinkle in your self-pleasuring shenanigans.
Its firmness and textures combine pleasingly with the 8.5-inch knot, in fact, to make Rex a pleasure to leave deep inside whilst you attend to other matters, resulting in a pleasantly full and smooth sensation that doesn’t go away until you want it to.
“Eat the dog dick of Anubis, you ass-wipe!” – Bob Ivy: Bubba Ho-tep
The Rex is perhaps best enjoyed with a suction base; due to its length and immaculately rendered texture, Rex is a fantastic option for hands-free action.
Suggested accessories for these fake canine cocks? A doghouse and a collar and chain, you naughty boy/girl!
The Rex Best Features
- A dazzling array of colors make for a quality insertable dildo that’s uniquely yours;
- Available either with or without a suction cup (also, the Rex is perhaps the best fantasy dildo to have a suction cup fitted);
- Optional cumtube for a soft explosion of cum lube mid-play.
The Fenrir Is a Girthy Monster With a Knot To Match!
This powerful, girthy monster is one for the nerdy experts when it comes to geeky sex toys and realistic fantasy dildos. Introducing the Fenrir penis from Bad Dragon dildos.
Despite its intimidating girth, length and firm strength, the detailed Fenrir features an engorged knot that is even more formidable than toys like the Rex, making getting this bad boy dildo balls-deep in your hole a challenge.
Once over its mighty knot, however, you’re in for a world of unending pleasure, as the Fenrir’s intricately detailed shaft and head work you harder than you’ve ever been worked.
Many Bad Dragon dildos have cumtube options, but it’s highly recommended on the Fenrir due to its monstrous girth and tremendous knot.
The Fenrir Best Features
- Powerfully built head and shaft for some extremely intense vaginal or anal play;
- Monstrous knot for truly fulfilling deep penetration in the depths of your holes;
- Optional cumtube (highly recommended to get the most out of the Fenrir’s monstrous potential).
- Like most Bad Dragon dildos, The Fenrir comes in a range of kinky colors to accommodate your alien dildo fantasies.
The Nova Is One Of The Iconic Alien Dildos
Another production of Dragon Dildo, nothing can rival this multi-tiered breed of alien dildos for a textured sci-fi experience like nothing else you’ve ever experienced.
Featuring ridges along the body safe silicone shaft seemingly without number, you’ll feel every unique inch of the Nova and will gain particular pleasure from giving this monster a quick twist once it’s firmly entrenched in your holiest of holies.
The backwards-facing ridges of the Nova make for just the right amount of resistance when thrusting this tiered monster back and forth, and there is nothing like it once you’ve got it going.
The Nova really makes its presence known quite unlike any other fantasy dildo, and it will leave as big an impression on your heart as on your vaginal walls.
Definitely a keeper for texture fans and lovers of alien dildos.
Best Things About Dildos Like The Nova
- Unique reverse-ridge design along its length for optimum resistance and sensation;
- Varying levels of texture and the firmness of shaft/base depending on your requirements;
- This Dragon dildo can be fitted with an optional cumtube for a sticky finish.
Liked toys like the Tako but felt that it lacked a certain je ne sais quoi in the sucker department? The tentacle monstrosity that is the Ika Bad Dragon dildo has you covered.
This hefty, tapering tentacle dildo behemoth is almost entirely covered in glow-in-the-dark suckers, making for a firm yet gentle sensation that will suck you in every time.
The silicone design of this tentacle dildo makes it pleasingly hefty yet maneuverable, durable, and easy to clean after any particularly messy encounters.
The base of this Bad Dragon dildo is perfect for offering maximum control, and its unique design makes for a fantasy bedroom experience quite unlike any other.
In short? Thus sci-fi Bad Dragon dildo is highly recommended for fantasy tentacle porn enthusiasts.
Best Features Of Toys Like The Ika
- This fantasy dildo has a perfectly weighted and sized shaft for optimal control;
- The textured sucker surface of this dildo grips firmly yet delicately;
- The dazzling array of custom dildo options, from color, pattern, size and firmness.
An esoteric experience for those who want something truly different out of their fantasy sex toy experience, David’s Paw is a truly unique dildo with a design quite like no other.
As you might expect, David’s Paw is paw-shaped, making it one for experienced dildo masters everywhere – fitting those pointed claws and expansive pads is not for the faint-hearted.
But once the David’s Paw dildos have made their mark, you’ll find it difficult to go back to a more traditional dildo experience.
Whether you’re just starting to explore erotic footplay or a veteran, the David’s Paw dildos will let you dip your toe at a comfortable pace.
Best Features of The David’s Paw Dildo
- A unique paw-shaped toy that will get you off on the right foot;
- Fully textured claws, pads and heel for maximum sensation;
- Fully customizable length, texture and material in order to be tailored for your unique requirements.
The ultimate choice for g-/p-spot stimulation, the powerful Nocturne features a meaty shaft and is potently girthy, making for a pleasingly full sensation during use.
Its pronounced ridges and fully textured shaft mean that every thrust makes its mark, and towards the base, you’ll find a challenging knot that takes a little effort to work in but is worth every moment.
If you manage to work the Nocturne all the way in, its engorged knot will hold it in place whilst you get down to the truly pleasurable business of using the pointed head to stimulate your g-/p-spot.
The latter is something that the Nocturne does better than any competing model of dildos and fantasy sex toys.
Oh! And don’t forget to add a cumtube to toys like this to simulate a truly messy ejaculation at the same time you finish yourself off!
The Nocturne’s Best Features
- Intricate ridging and texturing that makes every inch of these dildos count;
- Tapering, pointed head of these toys provides next-level g-/p-spot stimulation;
- Finely-crafted knot at the bottom of the length facilitates hands-free stimulation.
Optional Additions For Your Fantasy Sex Toys
Throughout this review, you’ll likely have come across several terms that may not immediately make sense if you’re a sex-toy neophyte. Fear not – our mini-glossary has got you covered.
Geeky Sex Toys With a Suction Cup Allow You To Ride Hard… For Isengard!
If you’re the type of dildo-fucker that likes to keep your hands open for other business when you’re wildly riding your dildos and sex toys like a Rider of Rohan, the suction cup is your friend.
An integral part of the dildo on Bad Dragon sex toys, suction cups allow you to slap that bad boy on a tiled surface or floor and go to town on its length safe in the knowledge that the dildo won’t slip whilst you’re scouring your Shire.
The Best Fantasy Dildo Will Always Include a Cumtube!
A cumtube is pretty much exactly what it sounds like – a tube that runs through the center of your dildos and sex toys and has a depressible plunger that you can activate at any time, sending a spurt of lubricant spurting forth and simulating a messy orgasm.
Bad Dragon provides a certain amount of cum lube if you plump for a cumtube, and offers refills at a reasonable price.
In Summary, A World of Fantasy Dildos Awaits You!
From insertable tentacle dildos and heavily textured fantasy butt plugs to alien anal dildos to the smooth cocks of mythical creatures that penetrate the depths of your holes, we’ve left no fantasy unturned in our quest to bring you ten of the most amazing geeky sex toys.
Of course, this is by no means an exhaustive list of the best fantasy sex toys – we haven’t even gotten to dragon-egg butt plugs or elven fleshlights!
However, we hope that we’ve nevertheless given you an intriguing glimpse into the multi-faceted world of geeky sex toys.
Stay tuned for even more ways of shaking your Isengard!