If there’s one thing that most contemporary porn lacks, it’s that most of it is not heart-warming dramatic adaptations of classic Victor Hugo novels like Quasimodo 2000.
No, I’m not talking about Les Jizzérables. I’m talking, of course, about the age-old classic.
“Wait a second, Ms. Porn Reviewer Chick,” you’re probably asking right now, “isn’t the star of that book, like, super ugly?”
He sure is, hypothetical skeptical reader. He sure is. But have you seen porn before? They don’t give a shit about how attractive the dudes are. If you’ve got some hot chicks in your porn, then you’ve got a porn flick.
This brings us to Quasimodo 2000.
Quasimodo 2000: Overview
- Release year: 1992
- Runtime: 91 mins
- Starring: Alyssa Jareau, Kim Katain, Buck Adams, Johnathan Morgan, Ron Jeremy, KC Williams
- Directed by: Paul Norman
Plot: a physically challenged but mentally challenging janitor named Victor (Adams) suffers from the sort of unfortunate deformity usually associated with North Carolina.
He spends his days cleaning up a strip club and quoting Victor Hugo. The strippers don’t have any respect for him, except for when he’s blindfolded, at which point they are cool with getting fucked by someone who could be absolutely anyone.
One girl named Zelda (Jareau) sees the pure spirit within Hugo and falls in love with him. The two manage to come (cum?) together despite the Machiavellian machinations of the club owner (Jeremy), who wants to fuck everyone for himself.
Quasimodo 2000 Best Scenes
Quasimodo 2000 has no end of wonderful scenes, as long as you don’t mind watching a podgy guy wearing deformity prosthetics fuck women who look like members of Def Leppard (the 90s was a different time). Let’s take a look at the best of them.
Ron Jeremy Watches The Girls Lez Off
Every porno that features multiple female performers has a lesbian scene. That’s just science. In this take on the genre classic, Jeremy’s character watches two of the strippers paddle the pink canoe. He inexplicably does not jerk off, despite having the most famous cock in porn.
Some Dude Fucks One Of The Girls
In this scene, Some Dude (Morgan) fucks one of the girls (Katain). It is an unremarkable blowjob/cowgirl scene.
Victor Fucks One Of The Girls
Victor fucks a blindfolded stripper (Williams) and cums all over her abdomen. This is considerate of him as I have to question the wisdom of Victor impregnating anyone.
Ron Jeremy Fucks Two Of The Girls And They Lez Off
Ron Jeremy, playing Ron Jeremy playing a club owner, fucks two girls at once. They kiss and shit. There’s a lot of hair.
Zelda Fucks Hugo
In this tender scene, Hugo and Zelda profess their love for one another. Zelda seals the deal by FUCKING VICTOR’S WEIRD SPINE GROWTHS. I never knew that I didn’t need to watch a woman fuck a deformed man’s spine, but I didn’t need to see this.
Another Stripper Interrupts Zelda And Hugo; They All Fuck Because, Of Course They Do
I guess another stripper gets turned on by the sight of Victor getting freaky with Zelda. Despite having just declared their love for one another, Zelda and Hugo are cool to get polycule-like immediately. They all fuck.
Is Quasimodo 2000 Worth Watching?
Yes. If only because it’s the only porno I’ve ever seen where A WOMAN FUCKS A MAN’S SPINE. Also, there’s more hair than a Mötley Crüe video if that’s your thing.